Veteran’s Day

It would appear that today is again Veteran’s day. Happens every year at this time, 11/11, and it generally has pretty much the same effect on most of us Veterans.

What happens almost every year is a lot of people who were never in the military get together and form committees to put on celebrations to honor their favorite sub groups of Vets effectively excluding all the other Veterans from the day that is supposed to be for us.

This year the big thing is the folks currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, oh, and all the men who died in various wars, and lastly there’s some state making a real big deal about their last surviving WWI Vet.

What about the rest of us? What about the soldiers guarding the 39th parallel at the edge of North and South Korea? Are they less worthy? All the men in the VA hospitals missing arms and legs and minds, did they not give enough of themselves?

I was in a boat in Viet Nam that was blown up killing the other three men in the boat. Their sacrifice was great enough for it to be their Veteran’s day. I was able to go on to kill the mortar crew that killed them, but I’m not worthy. They gave me a bronze star and a purple heart and now they wont even admit I was in Viet Nam. When we came home we were spit on and had foul things thrown at us. When might we expect it to be our Veteran’s Day?

There is a line from a song from the late sixties called "Good Christian Soldier" it goes "I can’t separate the winners from the losers anymore and I’m thinking of just giving up the fight." If the ones who died were the winners and the ones who came home are the losers then it’s harder now than ever not to give up the fight.

Uncle Dave US Navy 1968-1979 First Class Petty Officer

Joy Buzzer

Well, it took him two days but J. Dogg got me with the Stun-Gun. I thought it was safely put away up in the high kitchen cabinet but apparently he has a new friend. Jason the drooling Pit Bull introduced J. Dogg to his friend Wilmer the Rat. No that’s not a nick-name, he really is a Rat. A Rat that likes to climb and retrieve things for his friends. At least when they provide him with large amounts of cheese. I partly figured this out when I found a badly nibbled chunk of Cheddar Cheese under the sink.

So I’m sitting serenely in my easy chair reading a book, when J. Edgar comes upstairs and asks me if I can help him retrieve a pool ball from one of the side pockets of the pool table. It’s one of those old fashion tables with 1 ½" slate, thick green felt like a fine putting green and deep leather nets to catch the balls when they fall into the pockets. He sometimes has trouble getting the balls out of the side pockets after a game because they have slate on three sides instead of just two and well, you know, he does have a pretty wide muzzle. Anyway, I didn’t even see it coming. He sticks his head under the table like he’s trying to push the net up with the ball in it and I reach down to get the ball and "ZAP!" I get knocked ass over teakettle by the world’s meanest "Joy-Buzzer."

Ever see a dog rolling on the floor laughing his ass off?

After I stopped shaking, I made sure Edgar was safely away from the pool table and retrieved the "Stun-Gun" from the side pocket. I then brought it back upstairs and hammered it into tiny little pieces with my ball-peen-hammer. Then before the Dogg could get back upstairs I took out the trash. When I came back in I liberally laced the chunk of cheddar under the sink with rat poison.

When J. Edgar Dogg came back upstairs to see if I was mad enough to kill him or just maim him, all I did was glare at him without saying a word. This un-nerved him quite a bit and suddenly he got really talkative. He rambled on for quite a while about forgetting I had a bad heart and he started giving me a lot more information about his nefarious friends than I really wanted to know. He ended his rant with the confession that the whole thing had been his sister, Jennifer’s idea!

Now I can’t say that he was 100% truthful, but until proven otherwise… Dat Girl, she in a heap a trouble!

Uncle Dave

J. Dogg Makes Bail

Well, we got J. Edgar Dogg out of jail today. At least for a while. He has a court date between Christmas and New Years. The one ironclad rule we had to agree to in order to get J.Dogg bail was "No More Cheesy Puffs!" I just don’t know what I’m going to do about this Dogg!

Oh! And to make sure I don’t get bored, his new "Toy" arrived today. A brand spanking new 80,000 volt High Performance Guaranteed to knock your enemy’s nose deep into the mud "STUN-GUN." As a bonus they had sent along a sample size canister of pepper spray which I quickly put away in a high (hopefully puppy proof) cabinet.

I gave J. Edgar Dogg an extensive hopefully exhaustive list of rules about what not to do with the stun-gun and he promptly took it down stairs to play with it.

I noticed he was on the phone a little later and a while after that his friend Jason (the drooling Pit Bull) came over and immediately went down to the pool room too. A little while latter I heard a yelp followed quickly by a full-blown howl.

I quickly headed for the elevator to go and investigate but I couldn’t get it to come up to the first floor (apparently either J.Dogg or Jason had blocked the door open keeping the elevator from returning to the top floor.) I yelled down the stairs that if I was killed falling down the stairs he wouldn’t have anyone to bring him dog food and the elevator started right up.

Once I got to the pool-room I found two happy wiggling dogs looking very proud of themselves standing on either side of the stun-gun which was laying on the carpet. I asked what the devil was going on and they were only too happy to show me. Edgar told Jason to touch his tongue to the silver tips on the stun-gun and when he did Edgar stepped on the activator button sending a nasty 80,000 volt jolt through Jason making him do an excellent impression of Michael J. Fox in a stem cell commercial.

It was not a pretty sight. Funny as hell but not pretty. I asked Edgar why he would do such a thing and he stated that it was not on my list of prohibited activities for the stun-gun. I went over my list in my mind and realized he was right but said "It should have been." He said "It wasn’t." and I said "It is now!" He just looked disgusted and turned away.

I then turned to Jason and asked him if he enjoyed this game and he just cocked his head to one side and drooled some more. I’m pretty sure that Jason was not the pick of the litter.

I then retrieved the stun-gun went back upstairs and put it with the pepper spray leaving the kids downstairs to play video games and giggle about putting another one over on me.

That dog is going to be the death of me yet.

Uncle Dave

Puppy Trouble

Calling all Cars, Calling all Cars! Armed Robbery in Progress at the Jet Pep Connivance Store on Highway 77 West of Rainbow Drive. A short wrinkled person is making off with several bags of orange snack food! Use all Caution, He’s got teeth!
----------------------------------
Mr. Cramer, This is very serious.

I know it’s serious, but shouldn’t I be talking to a Doctor right now, not a Lawyer. Edgar needs treatment not incarceration.

True, but a Doctor is not going to be much help in keeping him out of jail, and that has to be our first concern.

JAIL! How could they put him in Jail? He’s only a puppy.

He’s only a puppy until the 21st then he’s a dog and subject to all the powers of the adult court system, besides since this is armed robbery we are talking about, he’d be tried as an adult anyway.

ARMED ROBBERY! He has no weapons, He doesn’t even have opposable thumbs, how could they try him for Armed Robbery?

It’s the teeth. The law sees them as "potential" weapons…

Crap! So what can we do?

Well we can try to get him into re-hab as quickly as possible.

Will that keep him out of jail?

Well, It should, but it’s real iffy that we can get him in to one in time.

Why? What’s the problem? I have friends, can get the money if I have too…..

It’s not money, it’s the other thing.

What other thing?

Like I said before, "The Teeth." Nobody wants a patient with sharp teeth. And Also….

What?

Nobody really knows how to treat an addiction to Cheesy Puffs.

Uncle Dave (J. Dogg's Jailer)

Defamation

So! It seems my offspring doubts my veracity. Perhaps I should have her flogged! What ever is this world coming to when my own child has said in print that half my home, My Very Castle does not exist.

Just because the Façade I show the world is a mere Single Wide House Trailer does not preclude the possibility that beneath it lay a whole system of passageways rooms and caverns including but not limited to the Hot Tub Room, The Sauna, The aforementioned Pool Table Room not to be confused with the Pool Room (One having a fireplace with leather chairs and a walk-in humidor, the other with one meter and three meter boards.) Why would she accept "Jason the giggling pit bull" without question but balk at the existence of the poolroom it’s self?

Perhaps on her next visit to the "Family Compound" I shall not house her in the luxurious "Guest Suite" as before, but shall show her to the deepest darkest Dungeon instead.

Defame the family honor again and I shall call down the Hoards of Warriors of the Secular Humanist Jihad upon you. It’s not nice to pick on daddy.

J. Dogg says "Hi!"

Uncle Dave (Jennifer's Father)

A Stunning Developement

I think I may have made a mistake today.

It started when J. Edgar Dogg asked politely if he could use my credit card to make a reasonable small purchase on line. I of course asked what it was and how much it cost. He was a little vague about it but said it was electronic and sort of like a remote control. I try very hard not to be judgmental about such things and as it was fairly inexpensive I said yes.

A few hours later I was on the computer and got an e-mail verifying that my order had been shipped. It was for an 80,000-volt stun gun. As you might imagine I was taken aback at this news and immediately thought there had been some sort of mistake made. Not so! This was the "Electronic Control" J. Edgar had ordered. Not wanting to seem overly suspicious but feeling a need for answers, I went looking for J.Dogg. I found him in the rec-room down in the basement shooting pool with one of his friends (A rather nasty pit bull named Jason with a drool problem) I told J/ Edgar I needed clarification on what he had ordered on line. He readily admitted that the e-mail was accurate.

Not wanting to blow things out of proportion I decided to ignore the basic subterfuge he had employed in getting my consent to purchase the item and go straight to what need he had for such a thing. The fog got pretty heavy at this point as first he said such things had always fascinated him and he wanted to see how they worked. He then said it was for personnel protection from the bullies in the neighborhood and finally after several considerably more probing questions from me he admitted he wanted it to help him train the cat. I was as you might think a bit stunned by this last revelation and came back upstairs to consider the ramifications of such a thing. I could swear I heard suppressed giggles coming from the pit bull as I left.

After ruminating on the possible pitfalls of the developing situation for a while I have come to a conclusion. I am pretty sure J. Edgar Dogg is not telling me the truth about his intended use of this item. I say this because first of all, he has never shown any interest in electronic gadgets before, second he is the only bully in the neighborhood and last but not least…we don’t have a cat.

I’ll let you know how things progress.

Uncle Dave

OK! OK! I’m still here.

Although I have no particular reason to feel this way, I feel better than I did last week. I find I can get good feelings from unexpected places on occasion. Luckily, many of those occasions are when the Universe has been treating me like a dog treats a fire hydrant.

I think at some point the law of averages makes it my turn to get good news. Or not. If I plan for good news I can let the disappointments pile up on me and I feel like I am the bug, not the windshield. On the other hand, If I plan for the worst, I will most certainly spiral down into the "Great Intergalactic Pit of Despair & Really bad Vibes" which makes Dante’s Inferno look like a Sock Hop. I have been getting glimpses of it lately and it is really a place I do not wish to be. The other alternative is to tread water. Keep paying the bills as much as possible, keep trying to hold the money grubbing VA at arms length and find happiness where I can.

I like to play with my dogg. He likes cheesy puffs, so I buy a big bag (well, they are actually Cheetos) when I get groceries, which I did this past week. I sit at the computer and toss cheesy puffs across the room for J. Edgar Dogg to inspect, nuzzle and gobble down…repeat process. When you put it that way it doesn’t sound nearly so interesting. I do however enjoy the process. He foams at the mouth when he eats them. Looks like a Hydrophobia victim only orange. When he’s had enough he goes and lays down in his create and I go back to playing on the computer. When he wants attention he comes over to me and lays his chin on my thigh just above the knee and looks up at me like a small child seeking his daddy’s love. Of course, he gets it.

One of my stories about J.Dogg got published in the Myositis news letter for this month and one on another subject got published in our local Mensa news letter. I like to see my stuff in print.

I just finished my daily cup of Kona Coffee, it’s really good stuff. It costs about twice as much to have the beans mailed from Hawaii to me (I am a very frugal shopper) as it costs to buy regular beans from the local grocery store but it is worth it. I figure I can afford only one cup a day for now which actually makes it pretty special. It’s one of those things to look forward too.

Ok, I guess I have said enough to convince everyone I am still around so bye for now.

Uncle Dave