Life with Uncle Dave

I’m a crotchety old Man living on Social Security and my wits in a trailer in the woods of Alabama. In this Blog you are likely to find ponderings and complaints about medical treatment in America, Stories about my friends and family, Rants about the economy and lots of stuff about J. Edgar Dogg, my best friend and the dumbest animal in Alabama.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Doggy Diet


J Edgar Dogg had pretty much cleaned out the dogg food bunker so here I was a little after mid-night in the checkout line buying a couple bags of Lamb and Rice Formula at Wal-Mart.

We were at a standstill waiting for a price check, or maybe it was an manager’s OK for a three party check on an out of state bank when this middle aged female in a real obvious blond wig behind me in line made the mistake of asking me if I had a dog. Here I am with two twenty pound bags of kibbled and she wants to know if I have a dog?

I thought about it for a couple seconds and decided that so far my day was a bit to boring and I needed to spice it up just a tad. So I told her that no, I was starting "The Lamb and Rice Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't as I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I had lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes going in and coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to carry a good supply of the nuggets with you all the time and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I also told her that the food is as close to nutritionally perfect as you can get so I was going to try it again.

By this time there were more people in the line and they all seemed to be hanging on every word of my story, especially the guy in farmers overalls right behind the woman.

I stopped talking then and after a long pause during which the woman got first a very quizzical than smug look on her face, she finally asked why, if the food was so perfect had I ended up in intensive care? Was it poisoned?

I said no, the food was really very good for you.

She said, well, than what happened?

After hemming and hawing around about it for a while, I finally told her I had been setting in the Wal-Mart parking lot licking my testicles when I got run over by a pickup truck.

Everybody in the line except the woman in the wig cracked up. The guy in the overalls just about split um wide open laughing.

Uncle Dave (The late night shopper)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

War Tools

I've been thinking about the World Wide War on Terror and what we need to do a better more humane job of conducting it.

What I’ve come up with are:

New Tools for a Changing World.

A new tool we need to successfully conduct a war/invasion/police action/altercation is a small, durable, dependable, accurate lie detector that can be easily operated by the average soldier. It must have no complicated parts and require not special environment in which to operate. Something along the line of a relatively small, single piece device that can be strapped around the head of a bound man in the field. When the person/prisoner is asked questions the unit would both detect that they understood the question then verify whether or not the answer they gave was truthful. Based upon the results of the interview he or she will be let go, held for further interrogation, imprisoned as an enemy combatant or killed on the spot as a spy.

Another useful tool in this endeavor is the camera ball that floats 12 feet above the heads of the patrol as they make their way through the streets of the enemy city. It takes continuos videos in 6 overlapping directions so as to make it possible to back up the story told by the soldiers about how they had first taken fire from the man that they just shot in the back of the head as he dropped his weapon and tried to run away.

A long-range stun gun like a sniper might use that would stop/stun but not kill.

Incapacitation device like a bracelet that would make you sleep until it was removed and would knockout anyone trying to disable it or move the wearer. (A replacement for handcuffs.)

Force Field/Personal Shield. A unit that would keep bullets and explosions from affecting an individual who is wearing it.

Antigrav (Not Air Driven) hovercraft that wouldn’t set off mines.

Better mine detectors and removers. Could be based on improvements to technology used for metal detectors.

Damping field that would freeze/knock out everyone in a specified area when activated. This would be to cover a large area such as the vacanity of a courthouse or military base that might come under attack.

Microwave field that would make bullets and explosives blow up when they enter a certain area. The idea being that you warn everybody to leave their arms and explosives at home than you run them through a sally port equipped with this device that sets off any explosives killing only the carrier of said explosives.

These are just some ideas that are based on logical premises developed from years of experience in military and High Tech arenas. I can’t say how most of them would work but I believe they are all possible in the near future.

Uncle Dave