J. Edgar Dogg's Great Adventure

J. Edgar Dogg is a 7 month old puppy who lives in the woods of Alabama with a pet human that he has named Uncle Dave. He likes Rap Music, TV (mostly Animal Planet,) dog food, chewing on carpet, chewing on wood, chewing on Uncle Dave (well, just gumming him really) and playing on the computer, particularly, chat rooms and e-mail.

This morning J. Dogg had a new idea for something interesting to do. He has been watching a lot of shows on TV about the wild animals of Africa. Being very smart but not as knowledgeable as he thinks he is, J. Edgar assumes Africa is nearby and he wants to go there and see it for himself.

Part of the reason for this is Lions. He has seen a lot about lions lately and he thinks he bears a more than passing resemblance to them. He is after all a Shar Pei and his ancestors back in China were known as "Lion Dogs" so J. Dogg wants to visit his roots.

It would do no good to try and explain to him how many ways he is incorrect in these assumptions as 7 months in a puppy is equal to about 13 years old in a human. As we all know 13 year old boys are not known for accepting their limitations or being told they have it all wrong. That puberty thing hits them about the same as it does human boys. He’s not going to be rational for several months unless I get him a little elective surgery… but we won’t talk about that now.

So today J. Edgar Dogg will do something totally out of character for him and when he sees the front door open he bolts for freedom. Now under the best of conditions Uncle Dave is not what you would call spry, in fact he is pretty much the opposite of "spry." This means there is little he can do when J. Edgar heads out. So he hobbles out on the porch and watches as the Dogg runs off across the grass heading for the woods.

Run, Run young dogg, run like the wind… "Bonk!"

Did I mention the J. Dog is a little nearsighted? In the house he runs into things a lot, stationary objects, moving objects, doors, walls, pretty much everything. And now he has hit a tree, well a sapling really but it was wood and hard and he has bumped his head and is whimpering like a little baby.

Uncle Dave gets his cane and the leash and goes out across the grass to the edge of the woods where in J. Edgar’s current condition even UD can corral the wayward pup. He leads him back to the house where there is a little trouble getting him inside as he is a little too wobbly to negotiate the steps by himself so Uncle Dave has to lift him up onto the porch and then climb the steps himself to get them back home. Once inside and unleashed J Dogg goes into his room and lays down on his bed to nurse his wounds, the bump on his head and the bigger wound on his ego. The grand visions of rejoining the pride pushed far back on his to-do list for the time being.

In a while he comes back out into the living room and starts playing with his rubber ball and when the front door is opened he hides behind the easy chair until it is once again safely closed.

J. Edgar Dogg (As told to [and witnessed by] Uncle Dave)

Just Stuff

My nephew Dale’s son, Jon is getting cuter every day. I might not think so, so much if I had to change his diapers and put up with bad dreams and such but when all I have to do is bounce him on my knee and make him laugh he is the perfect baby. Being able to go visit him greatly improves the quality of my life.

I just figured out that I put out over $400.00 for gasoline in the last month. Those trips to the airport in Birmingham can really add up.

I voted yesterday. It was the primary election so I just voted on whom I want to run in the general election but I felt like I did my duty as a citizen.

Today is my Brother Ray’s Birthday. He would have been 54. I’m thinking B-Day Party! Or at least I take him out to lunch. It certainly would be a cheep enough celebration. Ashes don’t eat much. Might creep out a waitress or two but what can they do? I can see the Headline now "Man is ejected from eating establishment for taking his brother’s ashes to lunch." Like I don’t have enough drama in my life already.

Oh! We (Ray’s real friends and myself) are having a wake for Ray this week. We intend to enjoy the memories of him as he was and not try to recreate him as something he was not. I’ll pass on a report after it’s done.

I finally got all the necessary documentation together and turned in to try to get the VA to reconsider my request to have my disabilities deemed "Service Connected." If they relent, my life should get to be a little easier. I shall cross my fingers and think positive thoughts.

So, that’s all the news from Chastity Lane for now.

Later,

Uncle Dave (Ray’s big Brother)

The Dogg Report

J. Edgar has taught himself some new tricks. I have a water bottle that I use to spray him (It’s better than the Pepper Spray) when he doesn’t mind me, like when I tell him to go back to his room. Now when I point it at him he flops down on the carpet and plays dead. Sort of like I shot him. It’s cute in a very creepy sort of way.

He also has figured out that I wont squirt him if he goes into his crate (The Puppy Cage.) So now, instead of going to his room he slips in there until he thinks I’m not looking and then he comes back out and starts bothering me again.

By the way, about his room, you know the place I send him for punishment. Well, it’s got cable TV, a stereo, a DVD player with ever dog movie from Lassie Come Home to Benji, an AirBed, a full sized pool table and a Baldwin Grand Piano (He wanted Baldwin not Steinway because of the Renner Action) which, by the way, he never plays anymore. Now he’s begging for an air hockey game but that’s just not in the budget this month. Anyway, my point is… How is this punishment?

Other new tricks are; changing the settings on my computer chair so that when I sit down it sinks to the floor or tips over backwards, Changing all the presets on my TV so all I get is Home Shopping Networks, The Cartoon Channel or Religious Programming and last but not least, He drools on everything. We’re not talking water here, we are talking about thick viscous stuff that large insects and small rodents get stuck in. It can’t be removed by anything short of an industrial steam cleaner. Oh Yah! I almost forgot, he has decided that the perfect place to take a nap is my recliner. I can not figure out how he reaches the lever to make it recline but he does.

Other than all that we are getting along fine. He misses Ray a lot, (they used to go back in his room and shoot pool and talk about me behind my back), but he seems to be getting over the loss without too much "Acting Out."

I have other projects to work on today so that’s all for now.

Uncle Dave (Ray’s big brother)