Life with Uncle Dave

I’m a crotchety old Man living on Social Security and my wits in a trailer in the woods of Alabama. In this Blog you are likely to find ponderings and complaints about medical treatment in America, Stories about my friends and family, Rants about the economy and lots of stuff about J. Edgar Dogg, my best friend and the dumbest animal in Alabama.

Monday, February 19, 2007

I've moved

As I have told you I would in a previous blog entry I have moved to my own web site. You can find my blog @

Come see it!

Uncle Dave

Sunday, February 18, 2007


Tomorrow my nephew Dale is going to come over and teach me how to use the new blog on my own web site. After I have added some of this, the old blog to the new I will swap over and start using the new one exclusively. I have no idea how long that will take so I have no idea when it will be finished. Once it is done I will let you all know.

I go back to the doctors on Tuesday to get poked, prodded, forced to swallow horrible stuff and scanned by some sort of cat. They really know how to show a guy a good time down there in Birmingham. The biggest problem I have these days is breathing. It’s not that I can’t breath, it is just much more difficult than it should be. Makes for an interesting life. A close second to breathing is I am having the chest pains again. Not near as bad as they were before the trip to the hospital, but still worrisome. I am beginning to think I am going to have to die and get reincarnated to get it right. Hope not, but maybe.

J. Edgar Dogg is laying over in his crate napping. He does that a lot, but who can blame him, it is this house’s favorite recreational activity. We both like to nap whenever we get a chance. Neither of us have been doing much lately, besides a short walk every day which by the way is much less eventful since we got Dogg trained not to pull me around like a rag doll. This was accomplished via a device called a choke collar. As it only chokes him when he jerks on the leash he learned very quickly not to do that. Walks are much better now.

Well, I am thinking that Dogg has the right idea and Sunday afternoon is a good time for a nap, so bye for now.

Uncle Dave

Sunday, February 11, 2007


When I was a junior in high school I took a Sociology class. Most of the students were seniors there to get an easy passing grade to pad their report card. I was there pretty much by chance myself as it was the only class I could get to fill an empty slot if I was going to get into the Calculus class I really was interested in.

Most of the Sociology students just skated by doing the minim necessary get out of class alive. Truth be told the reason it was easy to get an easy grade was that the instructor was trying to keep the one class he had left in the subject of his life’s true passion alive. He did however try to make it interesting for those of us with real curiosity about the subject. This came in the form of special projects or reports we could do for extra credit. The special projects generally required teams and as there were not enough people in class to make up a team who gave a damn I opted for the reports on subjects where I had a special interest.

The only one I really remember was on the country of Lebanon. It required me to acquire first hand knowledge of the country, it’s people, customs and industry. I did this by looking up the Lebanese Consulate in the phone book, making an appointment and going into downtown Los Angeles on a Saturday morning to interview the Consul.

I found that at that time (1966) Lebanon’s population was made up of about half Muslim and half Christians with a smattering of other religions of no political consequence. The two religious groups shared power in the government by alternating the Presidency and the Prime Minister-ship between members of each group. The primary industry was banking and the Lebanese considered their country to be the Switzerland of the Middle East. The Capitol "Beirut" was a modern, clean, well kept, European Type City that was widely accepted as the "Paris" of the Middle East. They had "world class" hotels, restaurants and night clubs and just about all the amenities necessary to make the richest visitors feel at home and comfortable. A truly nice place to visit.

Ten years later I set off the coast of Lebanon for sixty days on the USS Saratoga while the locals and insurgents burned it to the ground in the name of…well to be honest I was never sure what it was in the "Name of" but we were there just in case. We were waiting to evacuate any Americans whenever their lives were deemed to be in sufficient danger. A week after we were replaced "on station" by the USS America, they carried out the evacuation from what was effectively a bombed out third world ruin of what had been a beautiful vibrant city.

I have often wondered what happened to the "Consul" and to his 19 year old son who I had spoken with for the hour I waited in the outer office that Saturday Morning in 1966. Did they go home to the vagaries of a political system that had descended into chaos and anarchy or did they opt to stay in America where they would at least have some control over their destiny.

Everyone has an opinion about the Middle East. Mine is that they have lost so much through the hatred and distrust of those who’s beliefs differ from their own, that it can not possibly have been worth it.

Uncle Dave

Monday, February 05, 2007


So, I’m having a lot of trouble with my shoulders. Well shoulders and clavicles (Collar Bones) probably from trying to lift to much too soon. Well that and the Dogg likes to jerk my arms around like a rag doll when I take him for a walk. It’s been very painful, bad enough I have had to take some heavy duty pain killers just to get to sleep. The occupational therapist came today and we couldn’t really do any thing because of the shoulders. He says he’ll try again on Friday.

J. Dogg thinks it’s funny but he has always been a bit sadistic. He does like to hear me yelp. I don’t like hurting like this, it makes me want to go back to the doctor and at first I thought it had to do with my heart. I was happy when I figured out it was not heart related pain but structural problems causing it. I don’t like taking pain killers as they have been know to form a habit but it beats dealing with the pain so I guess I’ll keep on trying to "Doctor" it as best I can.

They said I might try some Motrin as it relaxes muscles and that that is probably what is causing the pain in the first place. As soon as I can get some, I will try it.

Debbie and Dale have been using my van a lot lately. They got their tax return and now are getting a few things they need for the house and my van can haul thing that they can’t fit in their car.

I recorded a movie of Jon doing the things a 16 month old child does a couple days ago. He seemed to be enjoying himself as he took things apart and let the dogg out of his crate and played with him.

This whole entry is pretty much ramblings but I felt a need to get something new on the blog.

Uncle Dave

Saturday, January 27, 2007

So, J. Edgar Dogg came home yesterday and today he escaped…I got him back, but not until he had aged me a few years.

His neck has always been as big as his head so his collar has always been pretty much a ceremonial thing from which to hang his favorite tags, but I didn’t realize he had gotten so adept at slipping out of it. He Has! I cant take him back outside again until I get a harness from which he can’t easily escape. I’d say can’t escape but that would imply certainty and certainty is not possible when you are talking about J. Dogg.

What happened was I took him outside first thing this morning as he has become accustomed while with Dale but I don’t have a big fenced yard for him to run in so I had him on a leash attached to his collar and when he got tired of being forced to go where I wanted him to go, he slipped out of the collar and ran for the tree line. This time he made it without running into anything and for about 20 minutes he explored the neighborhood. I sat on the edge of my deck for a while after he left hoping he would find his way home but when I went inside to contemplate my options my landlord, a very nice man named Mr. Patterson came to my door and asked if I still had my dog. He was running free in the middle of the road and Mr. Patterson feared Dogg might become a "Road Rug" if we didn’t catch him and bring him home pretty quick.

One note here; The road in question is not a super highway, in fact it supports about five cars per hour in traffic and is so bumpy nobody goes over thirty miles per hour on it, but it only takes one pickup truck to squash a dogg. especially a dogg as dumb as J. Edgar Dogg.

I followed Mr. Patterson in my van as I thought Edgar would recognize it and maybe come to me but Edgar loves everybody so once he was tired of running free he was ready to come home. In fact, when we found him he was scratching at the door of a trailer that looked remarkable like ours…only on the wrong side of the park. When he saw me in the van he tried to jump up in my lap and we got him safely into the van and safely home again. I put him in his room, fed him his breakfast and came out here to write this.

Like I said above, I’m going to come up with some sort of harness to lessen the chance of his getting away again. I think I went from 57 to about 65 very quickly this morning.


Uncle Dave

Friday, January 26, 2007

I am sitting here at my computer with J. Edgar Dog’s chin resting on my knee. He is a very happy dog and I am a very happy human. Through a serious of unforeseen circumstances he is better trained, more mellow, much better socialized and in general a more laid back dog. His agoraphobia is gone, he likes going outside, he walks on a leash, he goes up and down stairs, he doesn’t jump up on people and he hasn’t zapped anybody with a stun gun in at least a couple months.

Living at my nephew’s house for two months has done him a world of good.. He had 4 other dogs to play with, a big yard to run in and a 15 month old baby who liked to see how far down his throat he could reach to contend with. He spent most of his days outside and only came in to eat and sleep. He got along fine with the other dogs only chased the cats if they let him and never even scratched the baby. I am very proud of him.

I’m proud to be his pet human.

I’m still getting better. The occupational therapist and physical therapist coming twice a week has helped a lot and I am doing all the exercises as directed on the off days. Still pretty weak but life is much better and the future looks bright.

In the very near future I will once again be moving this Blog, this time to my own web site which is @ more info as it becomes available……..

I better go now before all this sunshine and happiness rots my teeth.

Uncle Dave

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Jen’s Birthday

You know, I’ve had more visitors in the last couple weeks than I had in the year and a half I have lived here. Of course most of them are Home Health Care personnel. The important thing is they are visitors. They tend to make me work while they are here but that is not a bad thing as I need to get stronger and more coordinated and they are helping with that.

J. Dogg will be coming home this week so I am very excited about that. I’d have him here now but Dale and Jon have been dealing with some sort of stomach flu that I do not want to contract and I will need their help to bring Edgar home.

My shoulders and sternum have been giving me a lot of pain lately but nothing I didn’t expect and all the wounds are healing up nicely. In some ways I am more healthy than I was before all this started. For one thing, I am no longer dealing with constant chest pain from a poorly functioning heart and my stamina is much better than it has been in years. I am still weak from the other ailments I deal with but it is a lot less overwhelming than it has been for for the las few years.

Today is my daughter Jennifer’s birthday. She is….Oh well, you can ask her but suffice it to say her age makes me feel very old.

Happy Birthday Jen!!!

Well, my typing skills are deteriorating so I’ll stop for now.


Uncle Dave

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hi There

It’s Sunday. I’m up and around and feel pretty much, dare I say it, Normal. I slept from 11:45 pm to 10:30 am and I feel rested. I’m still a bit wobbly on my feet but I do feel notable more secure than I have been.

I miss my puppy. I went over to see him on Thursday and he went crazy. Wiggling his whole body and trying to climb up in my lap. This is a little rough with a very strong 60 lb. animal, but it sure was nice to have him recognize me. Hopefully I will feel strong enough in the near future to bring him home.

I’m eating better and have been keeping what I eat down better than when I first got home but I still feel like I could hurl at the slightest provocation and occasionally do. Now nothing tastes right and nothing really tastes really good so food is not the pleasure it once was. The best tasting food I have had today was two thin slices of multi-grain bread, toasted and buttered with the super healthy butter substitute I am now using in place of butter.

I know I haven’t really said much but I am running out of steam, so bye for now.

Uncle Dave

Friday, January 12, 2007

I'm home

The people who run this blog site deserve to be boiled in oil. They have made it almost impossible for me to post to my own blog. If I could find them I would make them aware of how much they have made my life worse.

OK! Off the soap box.

I'm home and almost able to type again. I get very tired very easily and have even less patience than before, but I am back, it's really me. They re plumbed and retreaded my heart and now all I have to worry about are the other two or three ailments that are likely to kill me.

OH! I've lost 50 lbs. during this trip to the circus. I don't recomend it as a weight loss system but it is a good side effect.

Keep responding to the blog please, but as I can't trust their ability to keep their software up and running take my direct email address down so we can still communicate.

I'm going to go sleep now.

Thanks for all the good wishes,

Uncle Dave

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Terror of the future

So this sweet young lady just jerked me up short and hit me upside the head with reality...She was the physical therepist who's job it is to bring reality to those of us living on the teddy bear planet. In other words, the aftermath of this event is "PAIN!" real pain. My chest is allready hurtin in anticipation.

After the surgurey I will be unable to get in and out of bed or a chair without help, for a period of around six weeks. J. Edgar Dogg will be of minimal assistance in this, as in most endevors.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of this before, the information was there before me to see.

Maybe I can get the services of a helper for a few weeks after the surgery, at least until I can fend for myself. They could come in and get me up in the morning and help me to bed at night. Maybe call and check on me in the middle of the day. Well, something like that anyway.

I shall find a way, Me and Wonder Dogg can do anything. Especially if I do it and he sits by me watching.........

We Shall Overcome!

Uncle Dave

Sunday, November 26, 2006

He's Back

nov. 26-06

I am in the hospital.

I dont think I will be getting out alive.

My fingers dont work very well now due to having things attached to them and getting the ends
of them stuck a lot to check my sugar level, theirfore typing sucks.

Did I mention, that I cant see the keyboard either? Also, I am using the keyboard on the laptop when I usually use the split ergonomic keyboard at home.

It's not for any neferious reasin, I just din't think they have enough working parts to fix.

The people here at the VA hospital have been good to me and the food has been OK and they are confident of the success of the operation, but they have to be, it's part of their job.

I think I have excellent doctors who have planned well what they will be doing, and they are appropreately confident of the outcome, but their are some things you just can't fix.

The chickens have come home to roost. I hae done a very poor job of taking care of this body over the years and I think it is just too worn out to repair with the tools available to man at this time.

I'm going tp die from this. May not be from this operation but it is going tp happen, and it will be soon.....

Take good care of J.Edgar Dogg, he's not a common dogg, he's an extrodinary Dogg with great things to come.

nov 27-06

I'm still here.

This morning I got my full dose of insulin at about 7am and breakfast didn't show uo till after eight and my sugar level went low causing me to get a mite twichy as in (mean and nasty and hungrey enough to chew the arm off a WWF Wrestler at the sholder.) But I didn't as the food arrive in the nick of time and ther were no WWF Wrestlers available.

They (Nurse Bryant) got me a chair to sit in so I didn't have to spend my entire life in that damn hospital bed. It's an interesting chair. first it is really big, I mean it's huge. Seat height at the lowest is about 25 inches. It's blue, it's Big and Blue. It's aone of those colors of blue that doesn't register on my color chart so I only know it's blue because they tell me its blue. I like it, it's nice to have a way to get out of bed for a while. They will be bringing food soon as it is 12pm now and I shll eat it of course as I am hungry. but I am always hungry. I'll have to stop puting while the food is being ingested.

There are people here intent on telling me I will die when they opperate on me. I don't think they realize they are doing it, but when you tell someone who doesn't believe in god that only a strong belief in god will pull them through, you are pretty much telling them they are going to die. This however doesn't creat within me an urge to conver to christainity.

They are giving me my mid day dose of insulin and letting me give it mto myself so we don't get a repeat of earier today. I'll giv it to myself after Lunch gets here..........

Uncle Dave

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Not Good

I’m pretty sure I have had a heart attack this evening or more precisely this morning. It was after Midnight so technically it was morning.

The pain is still there and I am very week luckily it doesn’t take a lot of strength to type, but I don’t think I can do much more than that.

It produced all the standard symptoms. The sharp pain in the chest where the heart is and the pain radiating down the left arm, difficulty breathing tightness in the throat. It was pretty much text-book as far as I can tell. I’d go to the emergency room but I can’t move around well enough right now to trust my driving ability and besides, I really can’t afford it. They always treat you so badly there and I do not want to die in those conditions. Truth be told, I’d rather die at home alone than in a hospital with a bunch of people hovering around me causing me more pain in the name of helping me.

If I can I’ll go in to the VA Clinic here in Gadsden when it opens in the morning and see if there is anything useful they can do. They sent me a letter today chastising me for not making it to an appointment I didn’t know about so I have an excuse to go in.

I’m going to put this on the blog now as the pain is coming back pretty strong and I’m not sure how much more I can do. I’ll call 911 or its equivalent if it keeps up. Since I have a voip phone 911 doesn’t work.

Saturday, November 18, 2006


OK! Today I have a tacky story. I’m not sure the right word is "tacky" but it’s as close as I can come without a thesaurus and that just seems to be cheating.

I went to lunch with Dale and the kid yesterday and we had a great time as usual. The kid got about half his food in him and half on him or the floor. All around we had a good time. Dale was complaining most of the way about how he figured it was probably time to change the kid as he was putting of that aroma that indicates elimination of bodily waste. I wasn’t really paying attention as I had not noticed the aforementioned odor.

After lunch and errands and a shopping trip through Lowes looking (at least on my part) for nothing in particular we made it back to Dale’s house and he started unloading various and sundry items we had acquired while we were out. Once again he brought up the subject of his son’s probable diaper condition and I finally listened to him and realized that it may not have been the kid who was the source of the offending smell. I suggested to Dale that the kid might not have been the source of the offense as I had been a bit gassy all morning and as I was used to being alone most of the time I had gotten out of the habit of curbing the release of possibly noxious gasses. Upon close inspection the boy was found to be innocent of all charges and was henceforth and from then on no longer subjected to gentle deridement and sly innuendo for crimes actually committed by the stinky old man.

OH! The Guilt, The Guilt. There was a time in days past when I would not only have not spoken of such a shameful topic but would have turned bright red at someone else’s mention of such things. Not any more.

Actually it was at least a little funny in retrospect what with Dale going on and on about the poopy little boy when it was the gassy old man all the time.

I told you it was tacky!

Uncle Dave

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The J. Edgar Dogg Lottery is done. After I am dead his sister Jennifer wants him to come and live with her. I appreciate the other offers but as you would probably imagine, big sister has first dibs. I won’t tell everybody about the floppy orange felt hat with the ostrich feather but you can ask Jennifer and maybe she will tell you.

Uncle Dave

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


The Party will be on Tuesday the 21st of November at The Road Kill Café Bait Shop and Tanning Salon near Gadsden, Alabama the party will be in celebration of J. Edgar Dogg’s first Birthday………

The menu will be…well it’s the Road Kill Café, we won’t know the menu until the night of the party.

It will be an extravaganza, with great entertainment and many Celebrity Guests.

White tie and tails or Horror Costumes will be the dress code of the day.

The guest of honor will be naked.

Book your rooms early the hotels and resorts are filling up fast.

Call me for further particulars.

Uncle Dave

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Counting Down

I talked to the guy (Tom Rosenburger) who is working with me to get through the VA Maze today and he says that he thinks that they are about to come to a conclusion about all this. He thinks I will take that to mean that I am about to get my "Service Connected" status. I don’t. I take it to mean that they will again turn me down.

The fact is, it makes no difference anymore. My health is deteriorating at such a rate that I will be dead before anything they can do for me will effect my life in any substantial way at all.

I wasn’t looking for a symbolic victory here I was in it for the money. I had it in mind to travel a bit and see people I hadn’t seen in a while and places I had never see before. Not all over the world, just places I could drive to in the states. At this point I’m not sure I would leave the house if they dropped a million dollars on my front porch. "They Win." They outlasted me. I’m getting weaker every day and there’s really not much left to lose, and certainly nothing left to fight for.

Oh! One interesting note. Tom tried to convert me to Christianity again. He’s worried about my soul, wants to see me on the other side. I admire his chutzpah. I’m pretty sure he really believes in that stuff and I am a little sorry that my not believing bothers him so much. I just can’t give him what I do not have to give. I don’t have much left anymore of anything but I like to think I am still an honorable man. An honorable man is not a hypocrite, he does not claim to accept a concept that is so obviously flawed for fear he might be wrong. I know I may be wrong about this "God" concept but I will find out for sure soon enough. That’s one of the few things I am not worried about. I care much more about who will take care of J. Edgar Dogg than about whether or not God exists.

Anybody out there interested in taking in my Dogg? My daughter may take him, but she hasn’t said yet so I am looking for volunteers.

Well, I’ve rambled on far enough for now, I think I will go see if my body will allow me to take a nap.


Uncle Dave

Monday, November 13, 2006

One more time

Well, I really thought today was the day. My body woke me early with pain all over it and I couldn’t seem to find anything that would make it better. Everything felt pretty good when I went to bed last night but by 6:30 this morning I was in dire distress. Chest pain was at "8" and I had pain in both arms like somebody was beating my arms and hands with one of those wicked little meat hammers they use to make thin pieces of meat out of thick pieces of meat.

When I took inventory, everything hurt. Feet and legs ached like the devil was poking me with a cattle prod. My stomach felt like a snake fight, or something cooking in a witch’s caldron and I had a thumping headache.

It got to the point where I was thinking that if this is "IT" then do it cause I sure as Hell ain’t living long like this and death has got to be a relief. After a while I had taken all the meds I had that might ameliorate the problem and nothing was getting any better so I put the puppy back in his room and although I was sure I would not be able to sleep I went back to bed. I couldn’t stand to lay flat on the bed like I usually sleep so I curled up on my side in a ball doing my imitation of a really big medicine ball and finally fell asleep.

Whatever devil was tormenting me must have gotten tired and gone home for lunch because about 1 pm I woke up sore and cramped and feeling much better. I have no idea what caused this except I do know my heart was pounding very hard and hurting worse than it has in a very ling time.

I think if this happens again, it will probably be the last time.

Uncle Dave

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Veteran’s Day

It would appear that today is again Veteran’s day. Happens every year at this time, 11/11, and it generally has pretty much the same effect on most of us Veterans.

What happens almost every year is a lot of people who were never in the military get together and form committees to put on celebrations to honor their favorite sub groups of Vets effectively excluding all the other Veterans from the day that is supposed to be for us.

This year the big thing is the folks currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, oh, and all the men who died in various wars, and lastly there’s some state making a real big deal about their last surviving WWI Vet.

What about the rest of us? What about the soldiers guarding the 39th parallel at the edge of North and South Korea? Are they less worthy? All the men in the VA hospitals missing arms and legs and minds, did they not give enough of themselves?

I was in a boat in Viet Nam that was blown up killing the other three men in the boat. Their sacrifice was great enough for it to be their Veteran’s day. I was able to go on to kill the mortar crew that killed them, but I’m not worthy. They gave me a bronze star and a purple heart and now they wont even admit I was in Viet Nam. When we came home we were spit on and had foul things thrown at us. When might we expect it to be our Veteran’s Day?

There is a line from a song from the late sixties called "Good Christian Soldier" it goes "I can’t separate the winners from the losers anymore and I’m thinking of just giving up the fight." If the ones who died were the winners and the ones who came home are the losers then it’s harder now than ever not to give up the fight.

Uncle Dave US Navy 1968-1979 First Class Petty Officer

Joy Buzzer

Well, it took him two days but J. Dogg got me with the Stun-Gun. I thought it was safely put away up in the high kitchen cabinet but apparently he has a new friend. Jason the drooling Pit Bull introduced J. Dogg to his friend Wilmer the Rat. No that’s not a nick-name, he really is a Rat. A Rat that likes to climb and retrieve things for his friends. At least when they provide him with large amounts of cheese. I partly figured this out when I found a badly nibbled chunk of Cheddar Cheese under the sink.

So I’m sitting serenely in my easy chair reading a book, when J. Edgar comes upstairs and asks me if I can help him retrieve a pool ball from one of the side pockets of the pool table. It’s one of those old fashion tables with 1 ½" slate, thick green felt like a fine putting green and deep leather nets to catch the balls when they fall into the pockets. He sometimes has trouble getting the balls out of the side pockets after a game because they have slate on three sides instead of just two and well, you know, he does have a pretty wide muzzle. Anyway, I didn’t even see it coming. He sticks his head under the table like he’s trying to push the net up with the ball in it and I reach down to get the ball and "ZAP!" I get knocked ass over teakettle by the world’s meanest "Joy-Buzzer."

Ever see a dog rolling on the floor laughing his ass off?

After I stopped shaking, I made sure Edgar was safely away from the pool table and retrieved the "Stun-Gun" from the side pocket. I then brought it back upstairs and hammered it into tiny little pieces with my ball-peen-hammer. Then before the Dogg could get back upstairs I took out the trash. When I came back in I liberally laced the chunk of cheddar under the sink with rat poison.

When J. Edgar Dogg came back upstairs to see if I was mad enough to kill him or just maim him, all I did was glare at him without saying a word. This un-nerved him quite a bit and suddenly he got really talkative. He rambled on for quite a while about forgetting I had a bad heart and he started giving me a lot more information about his nefarious friends than I really wanted to know. He ended his rant with the confession that the whole thing had been his sister, Jennifer’s idea!

Now I can’t say that he was 100% truthful, but until proven otherwise… Dat Girl, she in a heap a trouble!

Uncle Dave

Thursday, November 09, 2006

J. Dogg Makes Bail

Well, we got J. Edgar Dogg out of jail today. At least for a while. He has a court date between Christmas and New Years. The one ironclad rule we had to agree to in order to get J.Dogg bail was "No More Cheesy Puffs!" I just don’t know what I’m going to do about this Dogg!

Oh! And to make sure I don’t get bored, his new "Toy" arrived today. A brand spanking new 80,000 volt High Performance Guaranteed to knock your enemy’s nose deep into the mud "STUN-GUN." As a bonus they had sent along a sample size canister of pepper spray which I quickly put away in a high (hopefully puppy proof) cabinet.

I gave J. Edgar Dogg an extensive hopefully exhaustive list of rules about what not to do with the stun-gun and he promptly took it down stairs to play with it.

I noticed he was on the phone a little later and a while after that his friend Jason (the drooling Pit Bull) came over and immediately went down to the pool room too. A little while latter I heard a yelp followed quickly by a full-blown howl.

I quickly headed for the elevator to go and investigate but I couldn’t get it to come up to the first floor (apparently either J.Dogg or Jason had blocked the door open keeping the elevator from returning to the top floor.) I yelled down the stairs that if I was killed falling down the stairs he wouldn’t have anyone to bring him dog food and the elevator started right up.

Once I got to the pool-room I found two happy wiggling dogs looking very proud of themselves standing on either side of the stun-gun which was laying on the carpet. I asked what the devil was going on and they were only too happy to show me. Edgar told Jason to touch his tongue to the silver tips on the stun-gun and when he did Edgar stepped on the activator button sending a nasty 80,000 volt jolt through Jason making him do an excellent impression of Michael J. Fox in a stem cell commercial.

It was not a pretty sight. Funny as hell but not pretty. I asked Edgar why he would do such a thing and he stated that it was not on my list of prohibited activities for the stun-gun. I went over my list in my mind and realized he was right but said "It should have been." He said "It wasn’t." and I said "It is now!" He just looked disgusted and turned away.

I then turned to Jason and asked him if he enjoyed this game and he just cocked his head to one side and drooled some more. I’m pretty sure that Jason was not the pick of the litter.

I then retrieved the stun-gun went back upstairs and put it with the pepper spray leaving the kids downstairs to play video games and giggle about putting another one over on me.

That dog is going to be the death of me yet.

Uncle Dave

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Puppy Trouble

Calling all Cars, Calling all Cars! Armed Robbery in Progress at the Jet Pep Connivance Store on Highway 77 West of Rainbow Drive. A short wrinkled person is making off with several bags of orange snack food! Use all Caution, He’s got teeth!
Mr. Cramer, This is very serious.

I know it’s serious, but shouldn’t I be talking to a Doctor right now, not a Lawyer. Edgar needs treatment not incarceration.

True, but a Doctor is not going to be much help in keeping him out of jail, and that has to be our first concern.

JAIL! How could they put him in Jail? He’s only a puppy.

He’s only a puppy until the 21st then he’s a dog and subject to all the powers of the adult court system, besides since this is armed robbery we are talking about, he’d be tried as an adult anyway.

ARMED ROBBERY! He has no weapons, He doesn’t even have opposable thumbs, how could they try him for Armed Robbery?

It’s the teeth. The law sees them as "potential" weapons…

Crap! So what can we do?

Well we can try to get him into re-hab as quickly as possible.

Will that keep him out of jail?

Well, It should, but it’s real iffy that we can get him in to one in time.

Why? What’s the problem? I have friends, can get the money if I have too…..

It’s not money, it’s the other thing.

What other thing?

Like I said before, "The Teeth." Nobody wants a patient with sharp teeth. And Also….


Nobody really knows how to treat an addiction to Cheesy Puffs.

Uncle Dave (J. Dogg's Jailer)