Doggy Diet

J Edgar Dogg had pretty much cleaned out the dogg food bunker so here I was a little after mid-night in the checkout line buying a couple bags of Lamb and Rice Formula at Wal-Mart.

We were at a standstill waiting for a price check, or maybe it was an manager’s OK for a three party check on an out of state bank when this middle aged female in a real obvious blond wig behind me in line made the mistake of asking me if I had a dog. Here I am with two twenty pound bags of kibbled and she wants to know if I have a dog?

I thought about it for a couple seconds and decided that so far my day was a bit to boring and I needed to spice it up just a tad. So I told her that no, I was starting "The Lamb and Rice Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't as I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I had lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes going in and coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to carry a good supply of the nuggets with you all the time and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I also told her that the food is as close to nutritionally perfect as you can get so I was going to try it again.

By this time there were more people in the line and they all seemed to be hanging on every word of my story, especially the guy in farmers overalls right behind the woman.

I stopped talking then and after a long pause during which the woman got first a very quizzical than smug look on her face, she finally asked why, if the food was so perfect had I ended up in intensive care? Was it poisoned?

I said no, the food was really very good for you.

She said, well, than what happened?

After hemming and hawing around about it for a while, I finally told her I had been setting in the Wal-Mart parking lot licking my testicles when I got run over by a pickup truck.

Everybody in the line except the woman in the wig cracked up. The guy in the overalls just about split um wide open laughing.

Uncle Dave (The late night shopper)